XBox 360 Rally

NOTICE: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!
NOTICE 2.0: Language Advisory: If you’re young, there be curse words here. You have been forewarned.

You know, for as long as I can remember, I have been a hardcore gamer. When I was a young boy, I remember going out with my Uncle Bucky to yard sales just after I had bought my first Sega Genesis, looking for just the right game to break into gaming with. That game, the first game that would send me down a path that, some thirteen years later still has me throwing down, was EA Sports’ NHL ’95.

Sure, NHL ’95 didn’t have a story-mode, and is therefore disqualified from this group, but I thought it was a nice story to tell so I told it anyways. Screw you if you didn’t like it. This list, that is certainly unofficial, is to serve as a warning to all new gamers, and old gaming vets alike – just because a game has a kick ass story, with kick ass visuals and kick ass acting, doesn’t mean it can’t drop a gigantic turd on you. So without further adieu, I present to you the worst video game endings of all time…

You almost HAVE to start with Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords for the original Xbox. This one pained me on a personal level, since I am a HUGE Star Wars geek, but somehow it left a taste in my mouth bitterer than Attack of the Clones. Here you are, playing a bad ass Sith Lord (or Righteous Jedi Master) for twenty-plus hours, going from world to world, working your wordsmith magic on your allies to get them to break and join you as either Jedi or Sith. The game’s story works SO well to draw you in… and then the ending comes about. Instead of taking the time and effort to create the cut-scenes of these things happening, all we get is that old wench Kreia telling us what’s going to happen. After twenty-plus hours of time devoted to this damn game, we’re treated NOT to a high-end show depicting our virtual allies futures, oh no. We’re treated to story-time with Grandma! One can only hope that BioWare comes back to make KotOR III.

You know, Peter Molyneux is known for blowing his work well out of proportion. Remember what he said about Fable? Or what he promised with the now defunct (sadly) “B.C.?” Well, I’ll give you a hint as to which game is next on here: It’s the one that was actually released.

Fable is another of those games where you spend close to a lifetime trying to do everything in the game, only to have the ending be so anti-climatic that you want to stab your mother in the uterus. Never mind the fact that it made absolutely NO sense, from a gameplay standpoint. Whoever thought that getting the most powerful sword in the game ONLY AFTER KILLING THE FINAL BOSS needs to be beaten to death with a live lemur, and their family deported to [It's called 'Freedom of Speech', "Carlos"]

Now, I know, I know, you see those two games on practically EVERY “Worst Game Ending” list. But you know what you DON’T see on that list?

…Diablo. A classic PC title, Diablo has an ending worthy of Greek Playwrights. After defeating the final boss (Diablo), you hack the crystal that morphed the last dumb son of a bitch into Diablo and… instead of destroying it… you jam it into YOUR head! Honestly, I think this was Blizzard being lazy. I think someone at a board meeting went “You know, I have absolutely NO IDEA how to end this game, but I know we’ll want a sequel. So some how Diablo has to live” to which another Blizzard employee retorted “…just turn the player into Diablo.” After a long silence filled the room, there was thunderous laughter for twenty uninterrupted minutes before it subsided, and the aforementioned board member went “Yeah, screw it.”

There’s a tie for the “You Got to be F#!%@ing Kidding Me!” award between Super Mario Bros. and Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts. Simply because they did the cheapest thing ever: Made you play again. When you beat Super Mario Bros., you get the Princess telling you that your adventure is just beginning, and to press B to choose a world. She can kiss my ass! I just went through hell and high water to get her away from that overgrown tortoise, and she’s going to tell me to keep playing? You, my dear, can kiss my ass!

As for Ghouls ‘n’ Ghosts… for a game that hard to begin with, to “reward” players who beat it with “Hey, sorry – gotta do it again. Only on harder settings!” …that’s freakin’ low.

I will give a dollar to whoever can explain the ending to Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty so that it makes sense to me. I mean, you have about a dozen big plot twists all the while you’re half-fuckin’-nekkid throughout all this madness… it just leaves me dazed, confused, and tired.

This one is given the title of “Personal Worst,” and the title goes to one of my favorite RPGs of all time.

While the game itself doesn’t “end”, per say, the ending to the main storyline in The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is also quite the let down. You play for EIGHTY-PLUS hours, doing quest after quest, busting your ass to try and get enough bad-ass gear together to make a run at the final battle between the forces of Cyrodiil, and the Daedra of Oblivion. At the climax of the epic battle, set inside the Imperial City, Martin sacrifices himself to Akatosh, thus allowing the God to smite down Mehrunes Dagon. Basically, Martin becomes a giant bird, bites a surprisingly bland looking leader of the underworld in the throat, and turns into a statue. After which, everyone is like “…ok. So anyways…” …what the hell, man?!

And finally, there is one game you will NOT see in this group: Halo 2. Now before you start pummeling me with the “OMG UR A HALO FANBOY !!1!” comments, let me explain.

Halo 2 can not be included in any “Worst Game Endings” lists for one simple reason: It doesn’t have an ending. There was no ending in Halo 2. You gunned your way through the ruins on the ring, then Master Chief, ever the badass, latches onto a transport ship that is sent to Earth. Upon the ship’s arrival, Master Chief is seen, again, looking bad ass and ready to kill a mofo. Then the General asks him what the hell he’s doing on that alien vessel, to which Master Chief replies “Sir, finishing this fight.” …then… nothing. The game just… it just fucking stopped.

So there you have it. The Worst Video Game Endings I have ever, personally, experienced. I don’t buy into the hype of “Oh, some website made a list therefore it’s the definitive list.” After all, with Video Games, opinion rules. So, you may disagree with my choices (and a lot of you will, especially with Oblivion), but just remember… I’m right. *shit-eating grin*

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